There are a few key concepts about communication skills that will enhance how you communicate and ultimately improve your relationships. Let's review the 4 communication styles: 

Aggressive: I win/You lose. Trying to get what you want by coercing, pressuring, threatening, yelling, intimidating, hitting, etc. Lack of respect for others boundaries.
Passive: I lose/You win. Denying what you want. Obedient, keep thoughts and feelings to self. Let others violate your boundaries. 
Passive Aggressive: I lose/You lose. Knowing what you want and acting out in an indirect way with resentment that you don't have it. Sarcastic, subtle insults, sullen behavior, act agreeable, but not comply or follow through. Let others violate your boundaries, and violate theirs indirectly. 
Assertive: I win/You win. Thoughts, wants, and feelings are freely shared in a respectful manner. I statements are used: I think, I would like, I feel, etc. Respectful requests are made: "Will you please?" Respect boundaries of others and set boundaries for self respectfully. 
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Which style do you use most? Which style do you think is most functional and effective? Assertive communication is the winner! 

Another concept is locus of control. This is the framework of Rotter's social-learning theory of personality. 
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Internal locus of control: I make choices and decisions that have consequences and influence events. I can achieve what I want. I can make a difference. My actions or lack of action makes a difference. Hard work pays off.
External locus of control: Life happens to me. Others decide things. I follow along and see what happens to me in life. If something good or bad happens it's up to others, luck, or fate. 

These concepts are at play in our life and in our relationships. Let's use parenting as one example. Have you ever heard an adult tell a child: "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit."? Or maybe you have said it yourself. Catchy, but what are you teaching the child? What communication style and locus of control  is that teaching? It is teaching passivity and external locus of control.

How could an adult teach assertiveness and internal locus of control? Ask the child what they want. Teach them to use their manners like "please" and "thank you" and I statements like "I would like the blue one please", instead of expecting the child to silently wait and hope they get the color they would like and if they don't, silently accept it. 

Perhaps most importantly, model assertive communication yourself. Talk to your child respectfully and assertively and let them see you speaking to others respectfully and assertively.  Lead by example. If they act out, ignore it, let them calm down, set boundaries calmly and respectfully, don't reinforce it, and don't model it by becoming aggressive yourself. Model self control. Teach self control. Certainly don't give them the item at that point. A young child may be frustrated and cry and it will be short lived and not repeated often if it isn't reinforced (frustration tantrum).  Manipulative tantrums occur when the child has been rewarded for tantrums- when the parent gave them what they were tantruming for. Of course, life is messy and it isn't always this easy. But, in general it does work.

Parenting assertively fits with a well researched parenting style that has been demonstrated to be most effective: Authoritative Parenting (Baumrind). Assertiveness is something we can practice and teach. It is the most effective way to get needs met appropriately and respectfully. Social science research  supports this approach and it has worked for many of my clients in therapy and it has worked for me and my husband with our own kids. 

Practicing assertiveness is beneficial in most relationships: at work, with friends, with your mate, in your parenting. Be mindful of how you are communicating. If you are already practicing it, keep it up! If not, give it a try! Try it as an experiment and see how it works! 

Being thankful and expressing gratitude may be one of the simplest ways to feel better and improve relationships. Gratitude is thankful appreciation for what you receive from someone- tangible or intangible. The simple process of acknowledging the goodness in our lives is beneficial. The goodness lies in part, outside of ourselves. This helps us connect to something larger than ourselves. In psychological research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. It helps us improve health, cope with challenges and adversity, and build strong relationships. You can be thankful about your past by focusing on positive memories and past blessings. You can be thankful about your present by noticing and expressing appreciation to others. You can be thankful about the future by choosing to think hopeful and optimistic thoughts. A research study by Emmons and McCullough, had one group of people write about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week and another group write about the irritations that had displeased them during the week and a control group. After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude measured more optimistic and felt better about their lives. They also exercised more and had fewer Dr. visits. Another study by Seligman, found that those who wrote and personally delivered a letter of gratitude to someone exhibited a significant increase in happiness and the benefits lasted for a month. In a period of significant transition in my life, I did this and found it immensely rewarding. How can you cultivate gratitude in your day and week? 

The holidays are approaching and is generally a fun time of year, eagerly anticipated, and filled with celebration and social gatherings with family and friends. It can also be a time filled with grief, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety. Balancing the demands of the season may contribute to feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed and can become problematic.

Tips for coping with holiday stress and depression:

1. Make realistic expectations for the holiday season.
2. Pace yourself. Do not take on more than you can handle.
3. Make a list and prioritize activities.
4. Be realistic about what you can and can't do.
5. Be present.
6. Choose to be optimistic about the future.
7. Volunteer your time and talents.
8. Enjoy holiday decorations, the changing of the seasons, and all that nature has to offer.
9. Set boundaries with yourself to limit alcohol, calorie intake, and shopping. Practice moderation in eating, drinking, and spending.
10. Reach out to people and connect.
11. Be creative and find fun ways to spread holiday cheer!
12. Let others share the responsibilities of holiday tasks. Don't try to do it all yourself.
13. Make sleep and exercise a priority. You are not a machine. Take care of yourself.
    
14. Find meaning and connect with that deeper meaning and something beyond and outside of yourself. This can be religious, spiritual,  service or something else.
    

Understanding your personality type can help you understand yourself. It can also help you understand your relationships better. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is probably one of the best known and most widely used personality tests.
​You can take the MBTI here:
https://www.mbtionline.com/TaketheMBTI for $49.95
​You can take a free personality test based on similar concepts here: 
https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Or here:
​http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
If you are in a relationship, it can be helpful to each take the test and compare personalities. It can help you understand each other better and how you impact each other and the relationship. I'm an INFJ (The Advocate). How about you? 

One of my favorite counseling topics with couples is Dr. John Gottman's 5 magic hours. Gottman's model is research based. He is a psychologist and leading US relationship expert who has conducted studies of thousands of couples at his “Love Lab” at The Gottman Institute for over 30 years. One of the ‘bibles’ for couples is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". One of the 'bibles' for marriage therapists is "The Marriage Clinic". His research has found that there are five magic hours that will improve and strengthen your marriage.  

Partings—when you part in the morning make sure you’ve learned about one thing happening in your partner’s day. Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week
Reunions— Spend 20 minutes at the end of each workday to reconnect and talk about your day. Such a conversation with reduce your stress at the end of the day. Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week
Admiration and Appreciation—Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week
Affection—Kiss, hold, grab and touch each other while you’re together – be playful with each other.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. A kiss can be a way to let go of any minor irritations that may have built up over the day. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week
Weekly Date—Take at least two hours every week to stay connected in a low-pressure way.  Use the time to talk to get to know each other even more, update each other about important issues, go out on a date, and enjoy being together. You can also use the time to work through any arguments or issues that may have come up. Estimated time: 2 hours per week

Think about this: 

• Which of these five are you already doing well?
  
• Which of these five do you need to focus on and be mindful about?
  
• What would be some fun things to do with your mate? 
• What do you want more of from your mate, and your relationship?

​#marriagetherapy