There are a few key concepts about communication skills that will enhance how you communicate and ultimately improve your relationships. Let's review the 4 communication styles:
Aggressive: I win/You lose. Trying to get what you want by coercing, pressuring, threatening, yelling, intimidating, hitting, etc. Lack of respect for others boundaries. Passive: I lose/You win. Denying what you want. Obedient, keep thoughts and feelings to self. Let others violate your boundaries. Passive Aggressive: I lose/You lose. Knowing what you want and acting out in an indirect way with resentment that you don't have it. Sarcastic, subtle insults, sullen behavior, act agreeable, but not comply or follow through. Let others violate your boundaries, and violate theirs indirectly. Assertive: I win/You win. Thoughts, wants, and feelings are freely shared in a respectful manner. I statements are used: I think, I would like, I feel, etc. Respectful requests are made: "Will you please?" Respect boundaries of others and set boundaries for self respectfully. Which style do you use most? Which style do you think is most functional and effective? Assertive communication is the winner! Another concept is locus of control. This is the framework of Rotter's social-learning theory of personality. Internal locus of control: I make choices and decisions that have consequences and influence events. I can achieve what I want. I can make a difference. My actions or lack of action makes a difference. Hard work pays off. External locus of control: Life happens to me. Others decide things. I follow along and see what happens to me in life. If something good or bad happens it's up to others, luck, or fate. These concepts are at play in our life and in our relationships. Let's use parenting as one example. Have you ever heard an adult tell a child: "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit."? Or maybe you have said it yourself. Catchy, but what are you teaching the child? What communication style and locus of control is that teaching? It is teaching passivity and external locus of control. How could an adult teach assertiveness and internal locus of control? Ask the child what they want. Teach them to use their manners like "please" and "thank you" and I statements like "I would like the blue one please", instead of expecting the child to silently wait and hope they get the color they would like and if they don't, silently accept it. Perhaps most importantly, model assertive communication yourself. Talk to your child respectfully and assertively and let them see you speaking to others respectfully and assertively. Lead by example. If they act out, ignore it, let them calm down, set boundaries calmly and respectfully, don't reinforce it, and don't model it by becoming aggressive yourself. Model self control. Teach self control. Certainly don't give them the item at that point. A young child may be frustrated and cry and it will be short lived and not repeated often if it isn't reinforced (frustration tantrum). Manipulative tantrums occur when the child has been rewarded for tantrums- when the parent gave them what they were tantruming for. Of course, life is messy and it isn't always this easy. But, in general it does work. Parenting assertively fits with a well researched parenting style that has been demonstrated to be most effective: Authoritative Parenting (Baumrind). Assertiveness is something we can practice and teach. It is the most effective way to get needs met appropriately and respectfully. Social science research supports this approach and it has worked for many of my clients in therapy and it has worked for me and my husband with our own kids. Practicing assertiveness is beneficial in most relationships: at work, with friends, with your mate, in your parenting. Be mindful of how you are communicating. If you are already practicing it, keep it up! If not, give it a try! Try it as an experiment and see how it works!
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AuthorSusan Martinez, MA , LMFT-Supervisor Archives
April 2020
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