<![CDATA[SUSAN MARTINEZ, MA, LMFT-S, PMH-C - Blog]]>Fri, 03 May 2024 07:38:51 -0500Weebly<![CDATA[Healthy Mind During COVID-19]]>Sat, 04 Apr 2020 23:58:14 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/healthy-mind-during-covid-19With all of our routines and lives disrupted in one way or another during COVID 19, it is essential to be mindful of how we are adjusting and settling into a new, albeit, temporary routine and readjusting as restrictions start lifting on staying at home. The "Healthy Mind Platter" (David Rock and Dan Siegel 2011) suggests 7 aspects of daily life to tend to today and everyday. How  you meet each need and how much of each you need each day varies. I suggest considering each and asking yourself if you are getting too much or too little or perhaps you are even neglecting one or more entirely.  While staying at home and routines disrupted, these may be out of balance. You can balance them out. New solutions are in order. If you are finding that you are struggling during this time, you can reach out to myself or another therapist for counseling. Most of us are offering teletherapy. I offer video telehealth sessions, as do many of my colleagues. A few weeks of staying at home has left many people experiencing a certain amount of stress, anxiety, depression, emotional tension and relationships strained. Relationships are strained with too much or too little time spent together. Parents are feeling stressed. Children may be acting out. Couples may find they have been irritable and arguing more.  Therefore, take a moment to consider the "Healthy Mind Platter". Are you getting enough daily servings?
  • Sleep Time: Go to bed and wake up the same time every day. Limit caffeine and alcohol. Try meditation to help you fall asleep or fall back asleep. 
  • Physical Time: Exercise. Go for walks. Engage in any and a variety of types of exercise at home, in nature, or in some gym environments.  
  • Focus Time: Focus on something challenging.  Engage in your work. Do a puzzle. Read a book. Take an online class. Learn something. Engage in a challenging task. 
  • Time-In: Meditate or pray. Check out a mindfulness based meditation app or draw upon your spiritual /religious practice. 
  • Downtime: Chill. Relax. Do nothing. 
  • Playtime: Play a game with someone in your household or online. Cards. Board games. Game Pigeon. Jackbox Games. House Party. There are many ways to connect and play face to face or online even while physically distancing.
  • Connecting Time: Reach out via phone, text, email, social media. Connect with others. Under ordinary circumstances this would be more face to face. During COVID-19, less in person. But we can still stay socially connected even while still physically distancing.
]]><![CDATA[Living with food allergies]]>Tue, 21 Jan 2020 15:02:33 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/living-with-food-allergiesFood allergies are on the rise- an estimated 32 million Americans have food allergies, including 5.6 million children under age 18. That’s one in 13 children and 40 % of children with food allergies are allergic to more than one food. ​(FARE 2020)


As a parent with children with multiple severe food allergies, asthma, and history of anaphylaxis, I understand the challenge of living with food allergies. Our family has been living with it for almost 17 years now. It requires a big adjustment for everyone in the home and everyone who cares for the children. People can even experience PTSD (traumatic stress reaction) from a severe reaction. 

What role does counseling play? Counseling helps people sort through their thoughts and feelings, reduce stress and anxiety, improve communication with caregivers, develop coping skills, and problem solve. Counseling is solution focused. Counselors help people cope and adjust and food allergy knowledgeable counselors can offer parent education and coaching about psychological, emotional, social, and relationship issues due to food allergies. We can help navigate the new life with food allergies. 

Counseling Services
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​Reference:
FARE: Food Allergy Research and Education:
​https://www.foodallergy.org/life-with-food-allergies/food-allergy-101/facts-and-statistics]]><![CDATA[Reading List for Parenting]]>Wed, 12 Jun 2019 20:42:50 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/reading-list-for-parentingI love to read about a lot of things. When I became a parent, I wanted to read about parenting. I was surprised to find that some of the popular parenting books contained information that was contrary to what I had learned from studying developmental psychology research in college. These are books that I recommend based on my personal experience as a mother and professional education, training, and experience as a therapist. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have.   
]]><![CDATA[Counting Meditation]]>Wed, 19 Dec 2018 23:58:59 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/brief-counting-meditation
Full Counting Meditation: 4 minutes including almost 2 minutes of silent counting of breathes.
full_counting_meditation.m4a
File Size: 766 kb
File Type: m4a
Download File
A counting meditation is a classic and simple way to meditate. 
  • Sit in a comfortable position.
  • Close your eyes or gaze at a neutral object. 
  • Breathe normally.
  • Count as you breathe in and then release the breathe.
  • Count 10 breathes and then start over at 1 again for as long as you wish or for a set amount of time. Thoughts will come, notice them, let them go, and return to noticing and counting breathes. 
  • Open the file above for my guided counting meditation. Often it is easier to meditate with a guide, especially if you are new to meditation. 
Benefits of Meditation
  • Increases immune function
  • Decreases pain
  • Decreases inflammation
  • Decreases anxiety 
  • Decreases stress
  • Enhances ability to tolerate distress
  • Enhances self control
  • Increases grey matter in brain
  • Increases brain volume in areas related to emotional regulation, positive emotions, and self control
  • Increases cortical thickness in attentional areas of brain
  • Increases focus and attention
]]><![CDATA[Mindful Communication]]>Wed, 12 Dec 2018 18:27:37 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/communication-skillsThere are a few key concepts about communication skills that will enhance how you communicate and ultimately improve your relationships. Let's review the 4 communication styles: 

Aggressive: I win/You lose. Trying to get what you want by coercing, pressuring, threatening, yelling, intimidating, hitting, etc. Lack of respect for others boundaries.
Passive: I lose/You win. Denying what you want. Obedient, keep thoughts and feelings to self. Let others violate your boundaries. 
Passive Aggressive: I lose/You lose. Knowing what you want and acting out in an indirect way with resentment that you don't have it. Sarcastic, subtle insults, sullen behavior, act agreeable, but not comply or follow through. Let others violate your boundaries, and violate theirs indirectly. 
Assertive: I win/You win. Thoughts, wants, and feelings are freely shared in a respectful manner. I statements are used: I think, I would like, I feel, etc. Respectful requests are made: "Will you please?" Respect boundaries of others and set boundaries for self respectfully. 
​
Which style do you use most? Which style do you think is most functional and effective? Assertive communication is the winner! 

Another concept is locus of control. This is the framework of Rotter's social-learning theory of personality. 
​
Internal locus of control: I make choices and decisions that have consequences and influence events. I can achieve what I want. I can make a difference. My actions or lack of action makes a difference. Hard work pays off.
External locus of control: Life happens to me. Others decide things. I follow along and see what happens to me in life. If something good or bad happens it's up to others, luck, or fate. 

These concepts are at play in our life and in our relationships. Let's use parenting as one example. Have you ever heard an adult tell a child: "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit."? Or maybe you have said it yourself. Catchy, but what are you teaching the child? What communication style and locus of control  is that teaching? It is teaching passivity and external locus of control.

How could an adult teach assertiveness and internal locus of control? Ask the child what they want. Teach them to use their manners like "please" and "thank you" and I statements like "I would like the blue one please", instead of expecting the child to silently wait and hope they get the color they would like and if they don't, silently accept it. 

Perhaps most importantly, model assertive communication yourself. Talk to your child respectfully and assertively and let them see you speaking to others respectfully and assertively.  Lead by example. If they act out, ignore it, let them calm down, set boundaries calmly and respectfully, don't reinforce it, and don't model it by becoming aggressive yourself. Model self control. Teach self control. Certainly don't give them the item at that point. A young child may be frustrated and cry and it will be short lived and not repeated often if it isn't reinforced (frustration tantrum).  Manipulative tantrums occur when the child has been rewarded for tantrums- when the parent gave them what they were tantruming for. Of course, life is messy and it isn't always this easy. But, in general it does work.

Parenting assertively fits with a well researched parenting style that has been demonstrated to be most effective: Authoritative Parenting (Baumrind). Assertiveness is something we can practice and teach. It is the most effective way to get needs met appropriately and respectfully. Social science research  supports this approach and it has worked for many of my clients in therapy and it has worked for me and my husband with our own kids. 

Practicing assertiveness is beneficial in most relationships: at work, with friends, with your mate, in your parenting. Be mindful of how you are communicating. If you are already practicing it, keep it up! If not, give it a try! Try it as an experiment and see how it works! 

]]><![CDATA[Thanksgiving]]>Tue, 20 Nov 2018 15:04:57 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/thanksgivingBeing thankful and expressing gratitude may be one of the simplest ways to feel better and improve relationships. Gratitude is thankful appreciation for what you receive from someone- tangible or intangible. The simple process of acknowledging the goodness in our lives is beneficial. The goodness lies in part, outside of ourselves. This helps us connect to something larger than ourselves. In psychological research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. It helps us improve health, cope with challenges and adversity, and build strong relationships. You can be thankful about your past by focusing on positive memories and past blessings. You can be thankful about your present by noticing and expressing appreciation to others. You can be thankful about the future by choosing to think hopeful and optimistic thoughts. A research study by Emmons and McCullough, had one group of people write about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week and another group write about the irritations that had displeased them during the week and a control group. After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude measured more optimistic and felt better about their lives. They also exercised more and had fewer Dr. visits. Another study by Seligman, found that those who wrote and personally delivered a letter of gratitude to someone exhibited a significant increase in happiness and the benefits lasted for a month. In a period of significant transition in my life, I did this and found it immensely rewarding. How can you cultivate gratitude in your day and week? ]]><![CDATA[Holiday Cheer]]>Fri, 09 Nov 2018 18:30:38 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/holiday-cheerThe holidays are approaching and is generally a fun time of year, eagerly anticipated, and filled with celebration and social gatherings with family and friends. It can also be a time filled with grief, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety. Balancing the demands of the season may contribute to feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed and can become problematic.

Tips for coping with holiday stress and depression:
  1. Make realistic expectations for the holiday season.
  2. Pace yourself. Do not take on more than you can handle.
  3. Make a list and prioritize activities.
  4. Be realistic about what you can and can't do.
  5. Be present.
  6. Choose to be optimistic about the future.
  7. Volunteer your time and talents.
  8. Enjoy holiday decorations, the changing of the seasons, and all that nature has to offer.
  9. Set boundaries with yourself to limit alcohol, calorie intake, and shopping. Practice moderation in eating, drinking, and spending.
  10. Reach out to people and connect.
  11. Be creative and find fun ways to spread holiday cheer!
  12. Let others share the responsibilities of holiday tasks. Don't try to do it all yourself.
  13. Make sleep and exercise a priority. You are not a machine. Take care of yourself.
  14. Find meaning and connect with that deeper meaning and something beyond and outside of yourself. This can be religious, spiritual,  service or something else.
]]><![CDATA[Personality Type]]>Sun, 21 Oct 2018 20:07:32 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/personality-typeUnderstanding your personality type can help you understand yourself. It can also help you understand your relationships better. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is probably one of the best known and most widely used personality tests.
​You can take the MBTI here:
https://www.mbtionline.com/TaketheMBTI for $49.95
​You can take a free personality test based on similar concepts here: 
https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Or here:
​http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
If you are in a relationship, it can be helpful to each take the test and compare personalities. It can help you understand each other better and how you impact each other and the relationship. I'm an INFJ (The Advocate). How about you? 

]]><![CDATA[Mindfulness]]>Sat, 13 Oct 2018 12:30:19 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/mindfulnessWhat is mindfulness? Jon Kabat Zinn creator of the structured 8 week course "Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction" defines mindfulness as "paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment." Meditation can be thought of as exercise for the mind. 

I had the pleasure of going to see Jon Kabat Zinn PhD and Elissa Epel PhD speak last year about mindfulness. I've studied and practiced mindfulness for years and have read Jon Kabat Zinn's books and am looking forward to reading "The Telomere Effect" by Elizabeth Blackburn and Elissa Epel.

​Did you know: 
  • Mindfulness slows biological aging. This is why some 60 year olds look like 40 year olds and vice versa. (Eppel)
  • Mindfulness has been demonstrated to reduce anxiety depression, and chronic pain. (Kabat Zinn)
  • Acceptance is a critical component of the effects of meditation (Carnegie Mellon University) 
  • Yoga is the physical expression of mindfulness. (Jon Kabat Zinn)
  • If you can't take a class, check out an app to get started in practicing mindfulness: Headspace, Calm, The Mindfulness App. 
Recommended Reading: 
  • Jon Kabat Zinn has written many books. Some of my favorites include:
  • "Full Catastrophe Living"
  • "Wherever You Go, There You Are"
  •  "Mindfulness for Beginners"
  • "The Mindful Way through Depression" 
  • "Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 (CD of mindfulness exercises)
]]><![CDATA[For couples]]>Tue, 09 Oct 2018 12:17:59 GMThttp://susanmartinezlmft.com/blog/for-couplesOne of my favorite counseling topics with couples is Dr. John Gottman's 5 magic hours. Gottman's model is research based. He is a psychologist and leading US relationship expert who has conducted studies of thousands of couples at his “Love Lab” at The Gottman Institute for over 30 years. One of the ‘bibles’ for couples is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". One of the 'bibles' for marriage therapists is "The Marriage Clinic". His research has found that there are five magic hours that will improve and strengthen your marriage.  

Partings—when you part in the morning make sure you’ve learned about one thing happening in your partner’s day. Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week
Reunions— Spend 20 minutes at the end of each workday to reconnect and talk about your day. Such a conversation with reduce your stress at the end of the day. Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week
Admiration and Appreciation—Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week
Affection—Kiss, hold, grab and touch each other while you’re together – be playful with each other.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. A kiss can be a way to let go of any minor irritations that may have built up over the day. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week
Weekly Date—Take at least two hours every week to stay connected in a low-pressure way.  Use the time to talk to get to know each other even more, update each other about important issues, go out on a date, and enjoy being together. You can also use the time to work through any arguments or issues that may have come up. Estimated time: 2 hours per week

Think about this: 
  • Which of these five are you already doing well?
  • Which of these five do you need to focus on and be mindful about?
  • What would be some fun things to do with your mate? 
  • What do you want more of from your mate, and your relationship?
​#marriagetherapy
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